From Loss To Well Being And A New Life
As I write this article it is four years (2006) since I lost my best friend, my husband, Dave to lung cancer. From diagnosis to his transition we had but a brief 2 months to say goodbye, but we did at least have that special time together which many do not.
At this point, I do feel like I have moved on and that my life is taking a wonderful new form. I am doing things now that I never really dreamed of. I have special high level friendships with new people in my life. I have had a great loss, yet I have fantastic new energy in my life. But this didn’t happen overnight, nor did it happen without great sorrow, introspection and just a strong will and faith that my life would get better.
When we experience important loses: parent(s), spouse, child, friends, pets, jobs, home and possessions – what ever it is, depending on what the meaning of it was in your life – you will experience grief. The period and severity of grief that you go through varies greatly with the meaning and connections you have with that person/pet/possession. If this loss object was a passion for you, there will be an even longer period of grief for you. Grief does vary from person to person. For some to lose a pet or a parent is a huge loss. For another this loss might not be a big deal at all.
There are many excellent books and articles written about getting through the serious grief time, but not a lot written about putting your new life together after the loss. I’ve listed some techniques and beliefs that have helped and are helping me on my journey to well being.
Take very good care of yourself.
During grief and in any period of transition there are tremendous physical and emotional strains to your body/mind/spirit. I myself did not find traditional western medicine of much help - but you may. A variety of holistic healers offered me much more assistance. I used a combination of herbal remedies (for sleep, anxiety and depression), flower essence therapy, meditation, visualization, reflexology and message, vibrational energy attunements and grief counseling, affirmations and prayer work. These helped me realign my sleep, to manage my depression, alleviate physical problems and to open the space for the desire to simply move forward in a healthy way. Today I still continue many of these practices on a regular basis.
Allow yourself the time to evolve to the new you.
Rebuilding from a large loss takes time. It is normal for you to continue to miss people long after they have exited your life. It is also common for friends and family to expect you to be “done with” your grief long before you are. Honor yourself by taking the time to actually process your experience. Grief is often described as waves in the sea, at the onset the waves are very very high and feel as if they will overtake you, as time passes the waves lessen in their strength and they come father apart. Eventually your emotions will return to calm with but a ripple of sadness from time to time.
As soon as you are able, begin to think about how YOU would like your new life to look like.
I see a lot of people after a loss, simply try to recreate life, or to freeze their life, as similarly to their old one as possible. They resist moving forward and bringing new into their lives. While it is important to take time to honor the past and what was, to really move ahead one must bring new interests, passions and people into your current life. For myself, the hardest part of this was to even discover what I really wanted. It took me 1 1⁄2 years of complete and utter sadness of grief to even get to the point that I could seriously consider in what direction I wanted to go. I tried some things initially that did not work, I let them go, and continued to be open to new things and people to enter in my life. Since Dave has transitioned, I obtained a new home, I left a corporate position in sales management (then onto a part time position as a stepping stone), I now am a self employed writer, healer and counselor. I have a new high level spiritual circle of friends of both sexes and I am enjoying travel from time to time. These changes have not happened overnight, and only bit by bit. I acknowledge that next year I may be doing something entirely different than what I am doing today. But I am enjoying and loving and living today. I still have not manifested another life partner, but if it is God’s will for me, then I expect that to happen in God’s time.
It is ok to continue relationships with those who have passed on – but on a less attached level.
How could a parent ever forget a child that has transitioned? I still get and give messages to Dave periodically. I feel him around me from time to time. I receive his jokes at times from my current circumstances. I no longer hear his voice in my head, but for at least a year I could actually hear his voice and once felt his individual touch on me (he held me while I was high on a ladder during my household move.) I also have gone to a medium who specializes in connecting with the deceased. I found that this helped me realize the mutual love that still continued from the other side to me, and that the love is real. For those who did not get to say goodbye, and may have unresolved issues, this can also be a wonderful closure time. It is important though, to live your life your way. Keep in mind that your loved one’s life on earth is over, and that you are in charge of your life and path.
Be thankful for your loving relationship that was.
Although it is not good to live in the past, I see nothing wrong in visiting it from time to time, especially if what you are remembering is the quality of the relationship. Many people never have a quality relationship in their entire life. If you’ve had one – or have some currently - you are truly blessed. But do you know, you can also have more - if you open yourself to them? After Dave died I wanted a new partner and become despondent about not finding someone in the time frame I set. A little later I altered my expectation to enjoying any type of high quality love in my life. Immediately multiple quality loving relationships of several varieties blossomed in my life – and I am continually thankful for every one that appears.
As we move forward from loss, what we leave behind can be honored and treasured as the building blocks of our new life. Be gentle with yourself as you go through this process and rejoice as the new growth occurs. For your loved ones are not far away; they applaud you and send you their blessings, light and of course their love.
To learn about healing and working through issues of grief and loss, read Reverend Barb's: The Healing, One Small Cat's Divine Mission.
At this point, I do feel like I have moved on and that my life is taking a wonderful new form. I am doing things now that I never really dreamed of. I have special high level friendships with new people in my life. I have had a great loss, yet I have fantastic new energy in my life. But this didn’t happen overnight, nor did it happen without great sorrow, introspection and just a strong will and faith that my life would get better.
When we experience important loses: parent(s), spouse, child, friends, pets, jobs, home and possessions – what ever it is, depending on what the meaning of it was in your life – you will experience grief. The period and severity of grief that you go through varies greatly with the meaning and connections you have with that person/pet/possession. If this loss object was a passion for you, there will be an even longer period of grief for you. Grief does vary from person to person. For some to lose a pet or a parent is a huge loss. For another this loss might not be a big deal at all.
There are many excellent books and articles written about getting through the serious grief time, but not a lot written about putting your new life together after the loss. I’ve listed some techniques and beliefs that have helped and are helping me on my journey to well being.
Take very good care of yourself.
During grief and in any period of transition there are tremendous physical and emotional strains to your body/mind/spirit. I myself did not find traditional western medicine of much help - but you may. A variety of holistic healers offered me much more assistance. I used a combination of herbal remedies (for sleep, anxiety and depression), flower essence therapy, meditation, visualization, reflexology and message, vibrational energy attunements and grief counseling, affirmations and prayer work. These helped me realign my sleep, to manage my depression, alleviate physical problems and to open the space for the desire to simply move forward in a healthy way. Today I still continue many of these practices on a regular basis.
Allow yourself the time to evolve to the new you.
Rebuilding from a large loss takes time. It is normal for you to continue to miss people long after they have exited your life. It is also common for friends and family to expect you to be “done with” your grief long before you are. Honor yourself by taking the time to actually process your experience. Grief is often described as waves in the sea, at the onset the waves are very very high and feel as if they will overtake you, as time passes the waves lessen in their strength and they come father apart. Eventually your emotions will return to calm with but a ripple of sadness from time to time.
As soon as you are able, begin to think about how YOU would like your new life to look like.
I see a lot of people after a loss, simply try to recreate life, or to freeze their life, as similarly to their old one as possible. They resist moving forward and bringing new into their lives. While it is important to take time to honor the past and what was, to really move ahead one must bring new interests, passions and people into your current life. For myself, the hardest part of this was to even discover what I really wanted. It took me 1 1⁄2 years of complete and utter sadness of grief to even get to the point that I could seriously consider in what direction I wanted to go. I tried some things initially that did not work, I let them go, and continued to be open to new things and people to enter in my life. Since Dave has transitioned, I obtained a new home, I left a corporate position in sales management (then onto a part time position as a stepping stone), I now am a self employed writer, healer and counselor. I have a new high level spiritual circle of friends of both sexes and I am enjoying travel from time to time. These changes have not happened overnight, and only bit by bit. I acknowledge that next year I may be doing something entirely different than what I am doing today. But I am enjoying and loving and living today. I still have not manifested another life partner, but if it is God’s will for me, then I expect that to happen in God’s time.
It is ok to continue relationships with those who have passed on – but on a less attached level.
How could a parent ever forget a child that has transitioned? I still get and give messages to Dave periodically. I feel him around me from time to time. I receive his jokes at times from my current circumstances. I no longer hear his voice in my head, but for at least a year I could actually hear his voice and once felt his individual touch on me (he held me while I was high on a ladder during my household move.) I also have gone to a medium who specializes in connecting with the deceased. I found that this helped me realize the mutual love that still continued from the other side to me, and that the love is real. For those who did not get to say goodbye, and may have unresolved issues, this can also be a wonderful closure time. It is important though, to live your life your way. Keep in mind that your loved one’s life on earth is over, and that you are in charge of your life and path.
Be thankful for your loving relationship that was.
Although it is not good to live in the past, I see nothing wrong in visiting it from time to time, especially if what you are remembering is the quality of the relationship. Many people never have a quality relationship in their entire life. If you’ve had one – or have some currently - you are truly blessed. But do you know, you can also have more - if you open yourself to them? After Dave died I wanted a new partner and become despondent about not finding someone in the time frame I set. A little later I altered my expectation to enjoying any type of high quality love in my life. Immediately multiple quality loving relationships of several varieties blossomed in my life – and I am continually thankful for every one that appears.
As we move forward from loss, what we leave behind can be honored and treasured as the building blocks of our new life. Be gentle with yourself as you go through this process and rejoice as the new growth occurs. For your loved ones are not far away; they applaud you and send you their blessings, light and of course their love.
To learn about healing and working through issues of grief and loss, read Reverend Barb's: The Healing, One Small Cat's Divine Mission.
